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#2 - THE TWISTED HEIST
A star had just gone out in the distance, sending its entire system, planets and moons, into oblivion. So, what was a simple life compared to a sun? Did the human existence that earthlings highly cherished in the past deserve so much fuss?
I would say no, of course, because I’m a cat. Our condition to us felines will never have to pale in front of a shiny astronomical object. Mine specifically, don’t you think?
Oswald Avery was merely a Homo sapiens. A retired buccaneer, fermenting his adulterated wine on the carcass of a drifting supercargo; all under the remodeled features of a former Galactic Trade Company’s pilot. Alas, regardless of the genetic disguise, the FID rarely lied. It hadn’t fooled us and the masks had fallen off. Just like him.
I’m such a poet.
Anyway… Avery had had a long life of crimes and adventures. He was full of energy in his youth. And as in the universe, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, this energy was reincarnated in a nice amount in our bank account once the old picaroon flatlined.
“We finally got it! And it was a traditional Martian contract. Payable remotely, on condition that the FID is validated. How about that?”
“God… Lee … you’re talking to yourself and it’s only 8 a.m.,” Ali grunted behind me.
My couch potato of an associate had her head still stuck in the cereal box she was nibbling before falling asleep binge-watching Captain Caveman on ABC.
“To begin with, it’s 8 p.m., Martian Time. And we do have a positive balance in our bank account for the first time in months! Do you know what that means, partner?”
“Shopping, bitches!” she shouted as she hurled herself into the void, gliding to the bathroom in the weightlessness.
With the cardboard box on the top of her head, this sugar bishop was swimming after the remnant cereals that floated on her path like Ms. Pac-Man.
“Hell! Have I just opened Pandora’s box?”
The liner Danaë and its forty-eight post-nuclear Baltimore-XVIII heavy reactors made its annual cruise from Lunapolis to the suburbs of Ceres, in the belt. Its figurehead with the effigy of the Greek princess was a two hundred meters long, green ceramic statue. The size of the ship exceeded some inhabited asteroids’ diameter so it possessed its own substantial gravitational field.
“It’s quite a symbol of the decline of humanity,” I said to Ali, pointing with my chin at this unique work of art.
“Why?” my partner asked without caring whatsoever. “Spill the beans, Plato.”
The Kitty had obtained permission to dock and began its approach. I concluded then:
“Humanity no longer erects great and beautiful things without turning them into a shopping mall.”
The gold and ivory Danaë was one of the most luxurious epicenters of human decadence in the system; comprising hotels, casinos, megastores and amusement parks spread over a dozen centrifugal rings. There was something for everyone’s wallet, ready to be emptied, whether one was welcomed at the port or had joined during the crossing.
And to my great regret, the cape of the Danaë was just passing by us that week.
“I believe we should keep our savings for the maintenance of the Swallow. The dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Some parts need to be changed…”
“You’re such a bore with your adult talks,” my partner said as she left the fitting room of a luxury chain overlooking the main deck. “What do you think of that? Sexy as fuck, right?”
Her camisole didn’t hide a single inch square of flesh and I subtly pointed it out to her:
“It’s a bit of a back-alley Sally.”
I took a blow on the nose which, this time, was amply justified.
“There’s nothing chicer than Borderline. You don’t know anything about fashion. It’s crazy!”
She was furious. It was entertaining. But she was right. The human female fads were way over my head and I wasn’t a good adviser. Mostly because I didn’t care. At all.
Fortunately, the upscale shopping mall where we were staying had provided us with a free assistant who was even more servile than a decerebrate canine. As usual, the robot carrier that accompanied us did the job by flattering her with its unbearable honeyed tone:
“I find you charming, Madame. Here we have the latest fashionable lingerie on Mars. It’s an ephemeral collection that appears to have been specially made to mold your discreet curves, which seem to have been sculpted by the seraphim.”
Ali gave me a satisfied look that I pretended to ignore. Then she backtracked into the fitting room to put her black suit and pink jacket back on.
I took the opportunity to climb on the shoulders of this silly robot, servant of our servants and last link in this hierarchy whose origins go back to Ancient Egypt.
“One more move like this and I’ll turn you into a gum dispenser.”
The automaton apologized before my partner’s head emerged from behind the silk curtains which were far too fragrant for my taste.
“I just checked; it’s too expensive anyway. I ain’t buying it,” she announced. “Can you order a taxicab to take us to the hotels’ ring? You’d be a sweetheart.”
Happy to leave this irascible human with her robotic slave, I proceeded to the nearest service terminal. By the time I requested a vehicle, a flying cigarette dispenser could light me a Lucky.
“It’s forbidden to smoke in our store, Monsieur.”
The customer attaché, in his blue silk suit with elephant legs, had appeared out of nowhere. Yet, with such a shiny tie, this punk should have dazzled me from the Kuiper belt.
“Please be kind and get me a Pepper Coke instead of ruining my eyesight…” I grumbled in response.
I was in an awful mood. I definitely hated shopping. And people. Yet the pedestrian avenues of the Danaë had a very exceptional population density. Perms were making a strong comeback, as were neon tattoos and overly open flowered shirts. Under the false UVA/B sun, it was a true dance of flesh, steel and plastic bodies with assumed nudity. Implants and surgery erased the hazards of the genetic lottery for better or worse. It was so superficial. So futile. So human.
“Hello, handsome!” Ali cried out, a large smile across her face. “Lee? You didn’t tell me you knew Christophe Lambert! You know I'm a huge Highlander fan!”
My partner had just joined me, arms loaded with bags massive enough to live in it, start a family and park my chromic Pontiac Firebird. All were filled with C$400 t-shirts and sneakers that she didn’t need and would only put on once.
“No smell. Hologram,” I conclude by throwing my cigarette butt through the smiling ghost.
“Shame!” Ali sighed.
She then looked at her terminal, and continued:
“Do you think I have time to grab a watch module? There are sales in the Japanese aisle! I saw some GD-8 that would go well with my new Game Pocket! This boat is fucking rad!”
Ali could not stop humming Who wants to live forever. I had to rub my temples to avoid a migraine before the arrival of our taxicab five minutes later.
These were miniature limousines with double fake leather benches, facing each other at the back. There was a minibar with expensive multicolored drinks and sugar-soaked snacks, the sapiens’ primary source of calories and high Gs space travel drug. For the sensitive, the smart-fridge provided diet sodas with aspartame, but no one took it. Finally, there were free Gauloise cigarettes next to the ashtray on the armrest. And even Tylenol!
“What a time to be alive!”
Right after leaving the fashion district, a soft voice of a young woman, who appeared to us through the armored porthole separating her from her customers, finally emerged from the cockpit:
“Good evening! I’m Miss Meera. At your service. Hotel de Saint-Malo, correct?”
I nodded. She smiled at us. She was beautiful with her incredibly dark night metal skin that contrasted strongly with her silvery-white hair. She also had charming ivory eyes with absolutely no reflection. They were a mesmerizing void of light.
In fact, it was so rare to deal with a real person, and not an AI, that we engaged rapidly in a lovely and honest discussion with Meera. We were mostly talking about life on the Danaë. As she stated, the rules on board were very strict, even military. All was done to make sure that the customer had the most pleasant time at the expense of everything else. Finally, according to her, her condition wasn’t the most to be pitied in the cosmos. And she was fully satisfied with this precarious semi-nomadic existence.
“And what about you? Are you here on vacation or in transit for work?” she eventually asked. “What do you do for a living?”
Should we have told her that we were executing infamous people so Ali would collect expensive t-shirts and I could fulfill my nicotine addiction?
“Don’t get me wrong but I saw that you had a gun. Are you in the police… or are you pirates?”
It wasn’t the first time someone asked us this question. Although weapons were allowed on most ships and stations, it wasn’t wise to display them unless you were looking for trouble. Unfortunately, hiding such a large caliber under such a tight vest was a Herculean task.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”, simply quoted Ali, her forehead against the window covered with scented stickers.
Meera laughed before continuing:
“Very well, Al Capone. I understand that you’re not the type to let yourself be taken advantage of.”
The taxicab entered the central expressway after the water park then suddenly swerved violently to the left.
“What is going on?” I gasped.
After crushing the safety railing, we fell from one rotating bridge to the other in a frantic cavalcade. Judging by Meera’s swear words, this ride wasn’t part of the show.
Avoiding the stalls of an art market and a group of children coming out of an arcade, the driver finally managed to recover in extremis. It was about time, because within seconds we were passing through the transparent protective wall of the hotels’ deck.
“A thousand apologies! Another one of those mor… clients from the Middle System who doesn’t know how to use a rental car,” she shouted through the window. “Are you guys hurt?”
“No, thanks to you,” I replied, my tail spiked over my head, taped to Ali’s neck now decorated with bloody scratches.
Although my human forehead now had a bump on it the size of a golf ball, it was true that Meera had just saved our lives. This young girl had unsuspected driving talents despite taxicabs’ lack of handling. She didn’t belong here, playing the steward in a yellow circus uniform. This woman should have been a fighter pilot; or a NASCAR driver on Canyon Creek.
“In any case, here you’re almost in front of your hotel,” she replied. “You don’t have to pay anything, and I apologize again for the scare.”
From the outside, the taxicab now looked like a can of nutrigel after going through a crusher. Yet, it still worked. May God Darwin bless Venusian steel.
After thanking her, we wished Meera a good day. But the cockpit window suddenly went down on the passenger side. The smile of the driver had faded. She had tears at the corner of her white eyes.
“Wait!” she asked. “This weapon… do you really know how to use it?”
So, life on the Danaë wasn’t so sweet. As Meera explained to us in a secluded alleyway, a trio of criminals had come to threaten her a few days earlier, after finding she was a bodacious driver. They were preparing a heist in one of the flying city’s fifty casinos. The young woman was now ready to pay the price to settle the case.
“What is your opinion about this whole situation?” I asked Ali, once in our room, a small yet cozy suite whose glass walls overlooked the vacuum of space.
My human had applied a brownish ointment on her hump, which disappeared soon after, leaving only a slight pinkish hematoma.
“Meera said she would provide us with more details tomorrow. However, if she ponies up the cash, I don’t see why we would refuse. We ain’t mercs but these three guys must have a bounty on their heads. Let’s do our job, right?
“Indeed…”
All we had to do was wait for more instructions. Fortunately, it had been months since we had been able to take days off except on miserable gas stations full of drug addicts, implants scavengers and prostitutes.
After another morning of shopping, Ali went to the thalassotherapy center of the neighboring hotel. Her main occupation? Overeating sushi made by 3D nutrigel printing while getting massages.
Alas, I didn’t have the time to bask under the false sun of the lakeside resort and get my belly stroked. As a good captain, I had to go to the maintenance to fix the numerous damages of the Kitty. As always, the bill would be higher than expected.
Everything was orchestrated so that we would never hold a positive balance in this corrupted system. We had to chain contract after contract.
But Meera’s gig didn’t sound right. There was something I didn’t like and I couldn’t catch it yet. All my cat sensors were in the red. Unfortunately, the bounty hunter’s ones only saw the green of the bills.
Don’t judge me.
The young taxicab driver had finally contacted Ali again by holoconference in the early afternoon, shortly before I joined her at the exit of the tanning booths. Or as I called them: human toasters.
“Have you finished roasting like a Thanksgiving turkey?” I asked her as she plunged into the icy water of the adjacent basin, under the lustful gaze of a group of cadets from the Marine Academy.
“Meera will pick us up with a new taxicab in the hotel parking lot,” she whispered once back to me. “Alongside her, we will meet two of the criminals at the burglary location, shortly before midnight.”
“Go on.”
“We take care of these guys and we catch up with the last one: the band leader, in the storage cavities of the hangar reserved for the ship’s logistics. Below the last rotating ring.”
In Eve’s costume, Ali came out of the basin, not without deliberately drenching me. The water had a nasty chemical taste from being filtered day after day.
“Do you have any intelligence on these jokers?” I insisted while lighting a cigarette.
“The Broadway Gang. Three brothers. C$45,000 for the trio. We will also be able to recover at least C$10,000 of Techno-federal tax on their ship depending on its condition. Easy cash with the dollar credits that Meera promises us…”
Now sitting on the ledge, my partner splashed her feet to demonstrate her eagerness to head back swimming.
“Excellent! This will pay for the maintenance and allow us to save some money on our way to the belt.”
“Can I go now?” she asked, sliding back into the water.
“You may,” I had concluded before seeing her leave for her absurd wanderings that would fill her afternoon.
I myself was very busy making eyes at the wealthy guests of the hotel restaurant to glean a few pieces of Peking duck or juicy crabs. They were real farm animals from Mars. Not nutrigel. It was worth abandoning a little dignity aside.
With a full belly, I finally joined Ali in the middle of the evening. Arriving in the corridor of our suite, I crossed the group of cadets noticed near the swimming pool. They seemed tired but blissfully smiling as they just discovered the nirvana. And I knew why…
“Ali? Are you ready?” I said as I walked through the half-open bedroom door.
Her dressing gown had been thrown on the floor. Her gun and badge were resting on the bedside table against a giant bottle of Koala Springs soda and a pyramid of little Yoyo Mints.
To be honest, I expected a bigger mess.
“Gimme five minutes,” she replied while in the shower.
An hour later, we met Meera in the staff parking lot behind the recycling stations. Without further discussion, we joined the expressway in the taxicab. Between two noisy info-ads, the radio played Sweet Transvestite then the rest of the mythical Rocky Horror soundtrack.
“I wonder what Tim Curry’s up to these days,” asked Ali while browsing the intraweb on her implant.
“Being legendary as usual,” I answered.
Afterwards, the casino was in sight. But once on the forecourt illuminated by the gold and silver bulbs, we heard gunshots and screams. My partner and I quickly realized that this was a violent robbery rather than a modest heist.
“What the fuck, Meera?” Ali asked, turning to the porthole that separated us from the cockpit.
There was a hint of irritation in her voice.
Meera remained mute, her hands on the wheel and her gaze forward. In the rear-view mirror the young woman looked panicked.
The right door of the vehicle suddenly opened and two men sat down in front of us. They were wearing theater masks: the first was Melpomene, the sad grimace of tragedy; the second, Thalia, the twisted smile of comedy. Each brigand carried a huge metal block under his arm; drawers that were sure to be full of cash. On the other hand, they held their still smoking ZeG-4 machine guns even more firmly.
When they saw us, they both gasped, in unison:
“What the fuck, Meera?”
One… two. One… two.
Four holes in their faded tuxedo. Four bullets as big as a cat’s eye that silenced them forever, before slowly repainting the bench in red.
“What the fuck was that? You killed them!” Meera shouted this time, as she started the electric engine. “You had tasers at your disposal, you psychos!”
She had finally turned around. Her voice was quivering. She was no longer panicked, but angry.
The tasers must have slipped between the seats because I hadn’t seen them. My partner raised her eyebrows and it made me realize that their use had never been in mind.
“We’re bounty hunters, not 9 to 5 social workers!” continued Ali. “Now, you gotta motor, otherwise the cops will shoot our ass on the spot before we could even meet the third dude!”
Meera put her foot on the pedal and one could almost hear the noise of the thrusters melting the white asphalt.
“I can perceive the sirens, Ali,” I concluded before Meera entered the ring's external road reserved for logistic transport.
We then had the shortest car chase we had taken part in. The Danaë security forces may not have had the best elements in the system, but Meera’s talents didn’t give them a chance. We had crossed half a dozen rotative bridges to the rhythm of Take on Me, zigzagging between expressways and maintenance tunnels to arrive before the song ended at the deserted logistics hangar.
It was similar to a huge supermarket with honeycombed shelves. Each of these garages, dimly illuminated by red LEDs, housed a delivery or transport vessel. There was the most impressive fleet I had ever seen.
In one of the first level’s cells stood, between a set of clamps, a Swift-0 scout, from Peugeot Corp, with wings spread. The Swifts were small and very high-end single-seaters. They could be modified to integrate weapons systems, but their primary characteristics were velocity and evasion.
Leaning on the flank of the mono-turbine, the last of the three criminals, a tall blond man with a “Chevy Chase” prominent chin was looking down on the approaching taxicab.
“Were they planning to escape on that ship? The three of them?” I remarked when the vehicle stopped a few meters from the small vessel.
But Meera ignored me.
“Hand me the money, I’m going out. That was the agreement.”
The porthole opened at its base, allowing us to pass the steel cash drawers. Once the taxicab’s ignition was turned off, only their holographic numbers glowed in the dark.
“It’s all over if his cronies don’t stick their noses out of the car,” Ali replied, finally giving the second drawer away. “He’s going to figure out that it went south. He will kill you!”
Outside, the man was getting impatient. Blinded by the taxicab’s headlights, he came closer before exclaiming:
“Zéphyr, are you there? Where are my brothers? Security is closing all the departure modules. We will be stuck here, for fuck’s sake!”
He now had a gun in his hand. A machine gun identical to those of his companions currently bathed in their blood, nailed to the seats.
“Zéphyr? Wait… I know that name!” I meowed to myself.
The doors and portholes of the taxicab were locked. Ali and I were now stuck in the back with the two flatlined and most wanted criminals on the ship.
“Sorry guys, but I’ll handle the rest.”
Miss Meera, alias Zéphyr, smiled at us through the armored glass just before leaving the cockpit by the driver’s door.
“What a fucking piece of shit… Lee? Do you have a plan? I think the windows are bulletproof. I don’t feel like testing. Especially if it’s bouncing around with us inside, we will be turned into ground beef!”
“Did you forget who I am, my dear?”
I was already crawling under the seat, between a pair of Méduse shoes and half nibbled fried rat wings. It was time to demonstrate all my infiltration skills learned from Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunately, both the crab and the duck slowed me down and my belly remained for a few seconds stuck under the driver’s seat with my head on the brake pedal. How outrageous!
From the porthole, I saw Ali watching what was happening in front of us, near the ship. Our eyes met for a brief moment and I could read on her lips: “diet kibble”.
“Better off dead!” I shouted.
My paw reached the bottom of the dashboard, activating the mechanical opening of doors and windows. And, accidentally, the loudest horn in this dimension.
“My bad!”
My sapiens immediately jumped outside, pointing her gun to Zéphyr. Surprised by the thunderous din, her target pivoted towards us, uncovered, turning her back to the human with the magnificent chin and his ZeG-4 who yelled:
“What in the whole universe is that? Wait! I know her! Did you bring us bounty hunters? You were clearly planning to double-cross us!”
The man shouted and his gun produced a rain of bullets. It first hit the windshield of the taxicab, passing through the conductor compartment where I was. The rounds bent the windscreen, but it held. This wasn’t, however, the case for the hood, protecting the engine and the reservoir full of coolant, which ended up covering the seat and my face.
Fortunately, the sticky alcohol allowed me to escape from this trap and jump out of the vehicle through the window I had previously opened. But, once again, a fire ring enveloped the ZeG-4’s cannon.
“This is how I die…” I meowed, eyes closed.
I was violently tackled and hit the ground. Zéphyr had saved me at the last moment, just before bullets obliterated the front of the taxicab.
Other projectiles ricocheted off the metal money drawers on the floor and got lost in the ceiling, activating the fire sprinklers. This incident triggered a silent light alarm throughout the hangar while the mobster prepared a new salvo.
“Don’t hurt my pilot, you narbo!” roared my partner.
Ali, this time taken as a target, retaliated. She fired a single shot towards the rascal with a formidable precision. No one knew how to handle such a heavy gun as she did. She was my human. She was the best in her field: murder.
And I taught her everything. Almost.
The leader of the robbers tried to reload the magazine of his weapon, unaware that his heart had been punctured a few seconds before. Adrenaline was doing its job. But the blood loss caused by the explosion of the aorta at its base, near the ventricles, gradually stopped him in his gesture. His pressure dropped and the bloodstream no longer reached the brain sufficiently. He was already in a coma when his shoulders touched the ground. He was luckier than the average Joe and died a few seconds later.
“Is everything all right?”
My voice was trembling, still in shock from this disaster. I was wet and frozen.
Zéphyr got up with difficulty. Next to us, one of the metal drawers was opened, revealing a bunch of green bills and a much stranger booty: an eight-inch gold diskette with suspicious Chinese symbols.
Well… I couldn’t read them but Chinese symbols on stuff are always suspect, aren’t they?
But there were more important matters. Because my partner, on the other hand, stayed on the ground. Blood was dripping from her black suit and mixed with the clear firefighting fluid that was falling like an endless rain.
I tried to talk to her again but my voice was lost in a groan.
“Why are you whining, you big baby? It’s just blood.”
With her nose in a puddle, my sapiens smiled at me. Her left hand was compressing her abdomen. The bullet had passed through the external oblique muscle, far from the stomach.
It wasn’t that bad after all but she had scared me. And that deserved a scratch on the wrist that made her scream:
“What the fuck?”
“And the medical expenses? Have you thought about medical expenses? We don’t have insurance!”
“God, Uncle Scrooge! I hate you!”
“We won’t be able to fix the Kitty with your heroic outbursts!” I fulminated to mask my joy of seeing her in one piece.
“I will kill you, Muppet! I almost died! I don’t give a fuck about your rusty trash can which flies like a brick!”
It was true that we hadn’t had a fight for a long time.
“Guys…” intervened Zéphyr.
“What?”
Ali and I had spoken together.
“These three ruffians had planned to steal the diskette drive from me once I got back. I needed a hand, so… thank you… I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” my human answered dryly while sitting.
Although Zéphyr saved me, I didn’t share the same kindness:
“Wait, we’re not letting him go! Do you know who he is?”
Zéphyr. Prince of thieves. And yes, he wasn’t much of a princess either. Just an androgynous cyborg. A breakout king wanted throughout the entire system for his affiliation with the Data Brokers’ Guild. With an incredible bounty of C$800,000, she or he… whatever… was the knight of the brokers’ chessboard.
“I think we’ve had enough for today,” Ali said. “Unless you hope to go after him with these big fat guts of yours.”
“By the 79 moons of Jupiter, you shall pay for this, woman!” I meowed, angry.
My ears were backwards and my hairs were spiky. But soaking wet, it just made Ali and Zéphyr laugh.
Disgrace!
“He’s so cute when he’s furious,” he joked.
Now on his knees, the night-skinned androgynous was blotting Ali’s wound with a torn piece of fabric from his driver’s uniform.
“But more seriously, I need to go. With the bounty, you’ll be able to repair your vessel. As for the hospital fees, I will contact a good friend who will take care of you for free. She’s the ship’s chief medical officer.”
“Thank you,” I simply replied as he helped my partner get back on her feet.
“It’s the least I can do. I wasn’t interested in money. More important information is contained in this,” he said as he was picking up the floppy disk.
This golden diskette must have been worth a lot of cash for Zéphyr to play a taxicab driver to ensure coverage. I had perceived that something was fishy!
Then, halfway to his Swift-0, Zéphyr stopped. I witnessed his hesitation.
“There was nothing personal, you know. We’re all just trying to make our way. The best we can…”
And he ultimately left before adding:
“Maybe we’ll see each other again! You seem like fun.”
Before fleeing away, Zéphyr abandoned one of the boxes near the criminal’s corpse. Thus, he validated the theory of a robbery that had gone wrong. When the security arrived a few minutes later, we were the heroes of the day. And with a little bribe, nobody cared about Zéphyr’s missing ship.
This whole story surely left us a bitter taste. A feeling of defeat and humiliation that the swimming pool under the synthetic sun couldn’t make disappear even a week after.
“He undoubtedly played us as we were rookies, with his little face of a young innocent girl in distress,” I said to Ali right after the end of the daily Brett Maverick.
This old show was dispensed on a couple of giant screens suspended by drones.
Until now, Ali had remained silent on her deckchair; with a brick of sour juice stuck between her breasts and a pair of straws between her teeth. Only inaudible grunts emanated from her mouth since the departure of the sexually unclassifiable mugger.
“I wonder what information this fucking cyber-Tootsie could have been looking for in that casino,” my human mumbled as she squeaked her rainbow flip-flops.
“Admit that it’s not really that question that puts you in such a state…” I answered, now well installed on my motorized buoy that I had gotten as a gift in a diet kibbles package.
“You bet! I will have a nasty tan mark on my stomach with these bandages!” she exploded, spitting out her plastic straws with infinite curls.
My float slipped towards the ledge as a robot came to bring us our next glucose overdose.
Ali finally added:
“I swear that if we run into him again, I’ll smack his fucking angel face.”
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REF (£5 BONUS ) |
NON-REF( NO BONUS)
You will get the bonus once you reach £10 payable cashback
Once you have signed up, here are the offers
They also have a £15 Cashback on a Just Eat order of £15, Worth it for some free food
Betfair Poker - £50 Cashback for signing up and playing £10 of poker | £10 Spend
GiffGaff - £10 Cashback - Order and activate a new sim, The Cheapest package is £6
SearchLoto - £0.82 - Create your account, Make 25 Searched, and use Free Ticket.
Experian - £3 - Sign up for a new account
Graze - £2.47, Order your first box then cancel when it arrives
Totally Money - £2.10 - Make an account and get a free credit report
Tastecard - £3.30 - Free 2 Months trial
Booking buddy - 2p ( Can do 3x per day ) - Make a search.
Quidco -
REF ( £10 Bonus ) |
NON-REF ( NO BONUS )
Bonus is once you reach £5 cashback
Azimo - £25 Cashback - Make a Minimum Transfer of £151 ( Send the transfer to your other account )
Paddy Power Games £20 Cashback - Deposit and wager £10
Panelbase - £0.80p - Create an account and do a survey ( I highly recommend using this site )
Pick My Postcode - £.80p - Create an account.
booking buddy - 2p ( Can do 3x per day ) - Make a search.
----
Swagbucks -
REF ( Around £4 BONUS ) |
NON-REF ( NO BONUS )
To get the £4 bonus you need to earn 300SB in your first month, Since the offers at the bottom I would do the two offers listed, Then make the rest up by doing 3/4 Surveys but other than this please do not waste your time on Swagbucks doing surveys, I only do them if to complete swago or if they are pretty high paying.
AyeT- CyberGhost VPN Free Trial - 54SB
Adgem - Norton VPN Free Trial - 63SB
100SB Bonus - Install the Swagbutton
Rise of Kingdoms - 4000SB - Get to hall Level 17
Lottoland - 1300SB - Click the offer and it will take you to the sign-up and will cost £1 ( Make sure auto-renewal isn't on )
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GG2U -
REF( I think you get $1 Bonus ) |
NON-REF ( No $1 if there is a bonus )
William hill ( Find this under Gaming Offers ) - Deposit £10 and wager £10 - Around £27 Back
Normally the Gala offers pay higher but none of them are available anywhere, Normally pay around £40, on TCB or Quidco but they have no offers right now for them
---
Ysense -
REF( Don't think there is a bonus |
NON - REF Click Offers, Then Offertory
Final Fantasy 100K Power - $10.16. I did this before and I spent £1 and completed really quickly, It was an XP reward I bought, It gave millions of Hero XP which gave enough power
I highly advise you don't waste time on this site doing surveys
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Lionbridge - Like happen but this is more strict and I also found Appen paid more for the Project I am on.
Teamwork- Like Appen and Lionbridge, I have done some work for them in the past everything was fine and paid on time.
Apple at Home Advisor - Work at home Advisor for Apple. Pretty sure they send you an iMac to work on tho I could be wrong
Pretty sure Amazon has remote work also. If you google a company and then "Remote" or at home, It should let you see if they have work
-
I had these 3 on a list Its transcription work but Appen, Lionbridge, and Teamwork offer this and probably best going for them.
Rev transcribeme
GoTranscript ----
Sites/Apps that are legit + my thoughts on them
Swagbucks ( Around £4 Bonus ) |
non-ref ( No Bonus )
I only do offers on here but I always check other sites before doing them to see if better paying elsewhere and I do swago when it comes up - Do not do surveys unless they are offering a few £ as they normally DQ - Only do Offers, Don't waste your time on anything else
Serpclix|
non-ref You install the plugin and it pops up with a task to search for a website... I barely use it but I would say its worth using for some extra cash ( Some users say £10-£30 a month on here )
Branded Surveys|
non-ref Had a few payouts, Too many DQ would avoid unless nothing else
Life Points Had some decent paying surveys, But too many DQ.. I would personally avoid
Qmee ( 50p Bonus ) |
non-ref ( No Bonus )
In my opinion, it's not worth the time, I do probably 1 or 2 surveys per week and I only touch the ones 75p + unless they take to long... I don't think you should focus anytime on it unless you have nothing else.
Ysense
Don't waste your time, I listed an offer for it above other than them offers.. Don't bother, People only want sign-ups to this cause they pay like 15% of earnings and I think around £5 when someone reached a certain amount
SliceThePie- Don't bother, Its clearly about 10p an hour
HoneyGain ($5 Bonus I think ) |
Non- Ref ( No Bonus )
It uses your unused internet in the background, it's perfectly safe personally for me I've not had much luck but it comes down to location and how many devices you are using
20Cogs ( £20 Bonus on cashout ) |
Non-ref ( No Bonus ) This is legit but most offers do pay better elsewhere and you need to hit 20 confirmed cogs before they payout, I have done offers on here and have my 20cogs pending but make sure you always check other sites to make sure you are getting the most amount of profit... I mostly do offers on here that I have not seen anywhere else.
PrizeRebel - Don't waste your time.
Microworkers - Can pay decent if you can rattle off some fast task but - Its a pain to get paid, Customer service pretty much ignores you and a lot of the jobs and links are sketchy as hell
---
I know nothing about this stuff but you can also teach English online and get paid for it. You might need an ESL certificate. The pay is pretty decent if you can get work If this is something you are interested in I highly advise you do some research for it because its decent work
vipkid- Teach English to kids online, If you want to find more I would advise you to look through Reddit as a lot of users on here use this for work, There are more sites than just this that you can work for, I think they pay from $15-$25 per hour.
QKid- Same as vipkid teaching English online- I think this pays up to $20 per hour
gogokid- Teach English Online $14-25 per hour
There will be more sites than this but these are the ones I know of.
----
Amazon FBA
I don't recommend you bring crap in from china there is enough of that,,, My advise would start small, Start by Buying stock from Supermarkets or other online retailers this is called retail arbitrage and then sending that in but make sure you are allowed to sell in that category, also if your going down the video game route that you sell Used video games and older back catalog titles as these hold higher profit margins than new stock, Lego, Toys, etc are good things to keep an eye out for you can also look for this sort of stuff on the Facebook market place
There is very little profit in new stock unless you can pick it up and most of the time you'd be selling at a loss because the big retailers can sell it for the price you buy it
Use Amazons courier ( they use ups) it's like £5 to send in a 15KG Box
Get the hang of it to figure out what works for YOU! Don't follow anyone on youtube and what they say to do... Of course, if you want to make serious money which you can do, You will need to get suppliers, etc but no one will tell you where to get these, and the ones found easily through google search will make you very little if any money using... Here is also some things I recommend using ( I use them or have used them )
Barcode Scanner ( I only use my PC so need scanner )
Barcode Scanner With Stand Epson XP-3100 FBA Labels Bags - I use a mixture of different one but these are fine for smaller things.
You don't need to buy the best printer or anything like that these work perfectly fine... You only need that stuff if you're doing thousands of labels per day
As I said before, Don't be scared to try this its actually pretty fun and can make good money just please people on youtube UK and US, Try it see what works for you
Also Amazon handmade but I still think Facebook is a great way to start selling handmade stuff ( if its quality )
-
Gambling
First, I recommend you don't touch anything to do with this stuff if you have any mental health problems, feel lonely, etc this can ruin your life if you go off the deep end
Matched Betting - You can make good money from this and I think everyone should do it, It's not complicated once you get the hang of it but don't use Profit Accumulator or the other one that charges £17 a month, in my opinion, it isn't worth it ... You could use something like Team Profit to get the hang of it and then take the £1 profit accumulator trial then get more info from there but cancel before the £17 month
The more money you have to do this the more you're going to make, It can be pretty slow if you are starting with a low amount of money but when you're doing these, Make sure you check cashback sites or offerwalls to see if they will pay you for signing up
People promote PA because they have a good affiliate program
Gambling CPA/RS
This is different and you need a website or social media platform, You would have deals with the casinos, Bookmakers, etc But the money, if you get it right, is absolutely ridiculous... This is why you see these guys on youtube spinning such high amount of cash on the casino, If you are good at building sites or have a boatload of cash to chuck at this
You would post them and when people sign up through your link you could be on CPA ( Cost per Acquisition ) RS= Revenue share, So you would get % of a player losses or you could be on a hybrid
This money is life-changing if you get it right but since there is so much cash it is not easy... These sites are spending 10s of thousands a month to be at the top search results.
----
Cashback Websites
JoinHoney |
non-ref - Saves you money by searching for coupon codes, I place a monthly order on a website and it saves me between 20-40 each time, Well worth installing when you shop online
TopCashBack (£5 Bonus ) |
nonref ( No Bonus )
£5 Bonus once you reach £10 payable cashback, I listed some good deals at the top of the post ( Check yourself for more on the site ) Also can save money when shopping online
Quidco (£10 Bonus) |
non-ref ( No bonus )
You get the £10 bonus once you reach £5 cashback, Same as top cashback... Some offers listed above and you can also get cashback shopping online
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My favorite Offer
Xendpay (£10 Bonus |
non-ref( No bonus )
Sign up and Verify your account, Make a transfer of £100 and you will get £10 free.. You can just transfer the money to yourself but you will need an account that takes euros as you need to send £ to euro
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Before you sign up to an offer on this sub, Please check on cashback sites to see if they pay more than a ref link, Example is the Azimo link it has been posted on this sub on the past few days, You only get £10 from that but you will get £25 through Quidco + £10 bonus if you are new to the site
There is also a scam that's posted a lot on Reddit, They claim to pay you $25 to sign up then $25 per person you sign up, This is a scam they go by a few different names sites all look the same with the same fake payouts
I hope this helps someone out.
Hey guys,
I started noticing some of you guys are PMing me more and more often regarding Monaco and the tickets/grandstands for the F1 GP therefore I decided to write up some lines that I hope may help you in your choice.
For an optimal viewing experience of this post I recommend you downloading the free Chrome or Firefox extension
Imagus.
Notice I am in no way affiliated to F1 or any ticketing site anymore therefore you won’t find any affiliate links or referrals or whatever. Do you research, compare prices yourself and if you have any doubts regarding a website legitimacy don’t hesitate to let me know.
But first, a quick overview on the ticketing world: a common misconception is that Formula One Management aka FOM (the company based in London and responsible for the organization of the F1 GP, subsidiary of the Formula One Group) is the entity that manages the sales of tickets you buy online or at the track. They own
F1.com and sell tickets via that website but the truth is they have very marginal control over the tickets’ business.
The tracks (or better the ownership or the management of the tracks, most commonly referred to as “organizers”) are the one that build up grandstands, set prices, print and sell tickets. The official website of the track is in most of the cases the official website for the tickets, where tickets are sold at face value. Availability is in most cases reflected in real time, and when a tribune is full either it can be expanded in a new section or replenished because third party resellers return some of the tickets they optioned before the beginning of the season.
Third party resellers instead are the game-definers of the industry. I won’t go into too much details right now as this is not the purpose of the post, but if this is a topic you would like to hear more about I am happy to create another post and describe in length how tickets are effectively commodities whose value fluctuates in the 12 months before the race and some other curious insights regarding the industry.
Coming back to Monaco, the official organizer’s website is ACM.MC.
They have a small boutique in Rue Grimaldi and you can visit the lovely staff; they will give you an overview of the tickets which are left and show you prices. I won’t lie, this GP is uber-expensive and I am not sure it is in most cases worth the investment: general admission is pricey and generally not a wonderful pick to see the track, grandstands have small angles and screens are scarce. But you also come to Monaco for the atmosphere, the people around the small city that buzzes and thrives in a wonderful season. Personally, either I get my tickets for free or just go to the Irish pub and watch it there. Last year I was at the Red Bull energy station and it was an extremely fun experience, wish I could go back - maybe Red Bull sees this and sends me passes to go kiss Max on the forehead.
Last year Thursday party.
Let me start my “virtual” tour of the circuit from the starting grid - Sector X1 and X2 + Restaurants
This is a view from the garages and facing where the grandstands will be positioned. All along the way there are restaurants with little private tribunes. On this boulevard there are also most of the apartment buildings you may be seeing on sale.
This is one of the very few races in which I do not recommend getting a ticket on the starting grid. the reason why I say so is that while you get all the action of the preparation on Sunday and you can see your heroes and fancy celebrities from close-up, you won’t be able to see much else on the rest of the day and weekend. Seats in X1 and X2 sections do not have a screen and therefore you will only be able to glimpse a few seconds to the car passing by at crazy speeds. You won’t know what is happening on the track on the other side and would have to only rely on the live commentary (done for this purpose in Monaco). Consider that for Monaco you won’t also be able to see the pits, as they are located facing the Rascasse complex and therefore you will only be able to see the garage from behind and not the pit-stops.
Also, fun fact is that Monaco cannot offer F1 Vision devices (don’t know if this changed, and apologies for that) because of privacy and data retention laws not being aligned with the EU.
Restaurants like Planet Sushi, Edgar, Italiagliani may have small tribunes and fixed menus but not much changes. There are tons of restaurants all along the circuit offering menus and viewing spots and they range from less than 100 EUR from a brasserie to about 800-1000 or something.
On the Albert I street you have the best and largest supermarket on this side of Monaco (Casino Supermarket - fitting name for the town but absolutely random as it’s a French chain) that sells affordable food and drinks, free sandwiches, sushi, pizza with no prices increase. Also 90% of tickets collection booths (
F1.com and main resellers) are around rue Princess Antoinette which is in this area.
We then move on to Saint Devote corner - here we find Sectors A1, A and Z1.
This is a terrible picture of the section but they already put up the barriers so I couldn’t get past.
This corner is one of those in which you find the most action on Sunday and you may witness cars getting out of the pit lane and joining the circuit, but no much more than that. There are no screens and you will only be able to see cars in this section. Sector Z1 is the general admission area inside the circuit and generally speaking one of those that sells the fastest. While it goes without saying that you should go early in the morning and secure a spot, the sector has a nice view of cars entering the Bureau de tabac and the pool complex.
Check out this short video i took last year while inspecting the grandstand.
Some pictures of the Z1 area from above too. This is were it will be created a closed pedestrian area with bars and entertainment. Very small but very close to the track.
Climbing up to the Casino we arrive to probably the most iconic view of the circuit - Sector B
Picture of the casino from the front, the grandstand will be facing this direction.
The Casino grandstand is together with the V section the most expensive grandstands of the circuit. A “gold” pass for 3 days would set you to something like 1300 EUR (fun fact: I invented Gold/SilveTop sections and was the first to introduce them to the market but this is another story). In Monaco the Gold section of the grandstand is the top row - alongside the tickets you get a hat, lanyards, ticket holder, earplugs, some fancy bags, a private pit-walk (shared with rest of Gold holders) and some other small perks. The Silver section is the same thing but 2nd, 3rd and sometimes 4th row. They can also be privileged sections regardless of row, for example right top side of sector K1 in the pool complex.
The B grandstand has great view on the cars, you have a screen and easy access, while i heard you don’t have many toilets. Around there are the Cafe de Paris and the Louis XV with fixed menus and terraces to watch the race). I recommend it if you won’t end up in the low section and if you have cash to spare. My suggestion is always to stay here at least on Thursday when it’s cheaper and then move to top T sector (my favorite) for the race.
Passing the Fairmont hotel famous hairpin - they got good seats if you are staying at the hotel on the roof or if you have a room - you end at the entrance of the tunnel in Sector C.
Here is an idea of the rooms overlooking the hairpin.
And here a view from the C grandstand.
Just as A and A1, you see some action and you may end up seeing some battles but you won’t have a screen and you are pretty much isolated from the rest of the circuit. You are also super far away from the rest of the track so plan ahead distances! I have seen tons of people missing the race because they thought they could get to the train station and then back to sector C after having collected their tickets half an hour before the race. Allow 1 hour to walk end to end, and expect tons of lines everywhere, especially at elevators in the central station.
You will find me in this section with a booked table at the Irish pub, away from the casuals.
Going through the tunnel you will find another chicane for which you can’t buy tickets (only journalists there) and soon enter the Bureau de Tabac, Sector K1 to K6 or 8.
This is what cars see when coming out of the tunnel and past the chicane,
about to enter the complex.
And this is the complex.
I say 6 or 8 as sometimes they open additional sectors according to demand.
This is an example of sector to avoid, the very last one.
Despite what you see online, Monaco is never sold out; the day of the race DO NOT GO TO STREET SELLERS for any reason, always go to the official boutique, you will find tickets which went unsold and that got reopened. Street seller can literally just photo-copy the ticket and sell it to you as they don’t have scanners or barcodes in Monaco therefore access control is a mess and you will end up fist fighting on the grandstand. There was an old trick in Monaco GA exploited for years that allowed people to get tens of friends in the stand without paying but I don’t want to give you rascal any ideas.
Sector K1 in the upper section is definitely the best solution, but it’s far from being perfect. The screen is on top of the hill and just like 90% of Monaco grandstands it is not wheelchair accessible and doesn’t have a cover. This means if weather is extremely hot or it rains you won’t have shelter. Also, umbrellas are sold but forbidden on grandstands, gotta buy a poncho. Sections in the lower rows are also very good as when car do the “curve” they get very close to the barriers and if you are too high you won’t be able to see them. They are building a parking underneath and they are changing a lot of the layout I am used to, therefore be careful and ask the organizer.
Here a panoramic shot to make you understand how far it is. It is readable but you will have to squint your eyes a bit.
On the way from the tunnel to the K section you will see lots of yachts docked there. If you have the finances that allow you to book a viewing spot on a yacht, this is where you will most likely be docked (be it F1 Experiences with lunch at the Maree restaurant, private owner or in my case the owner of the YAS Marina circuit’s yacht). For yachts I always mention same thing to everybody: you go there to get drunk, to clumsy flirt on models, to hang out with celebrities and celebrity-wannabe, maybe be offered a drink to Raikkonen’s friends, but certainly not to watch the race. The cars go insanely fast in this part of the track and you will only glimpse at them.
Here is the yacht section just after the Yacht Club.
Here is a pic I took last year after the race at the traditional’s Thursday panel aboard Yas Marina's owner's yacht.
Sector M deserves a special mention as perhaps the worst of the whole circuit, since it is very low and you basically don’t see the screen. This is usually reserved for relatives of the organizers or special guests which don’t make it to the main tower where the royal family is.
Where the danger sign is there will be the grandstand.
You then enter my favorite grandstand for Saturday, the N - O - P pool complex.
Here is a side view of the complex.
I say it’s my favorite on Saturday as from the top of O section you may see both the entrance of the pool and the exit. You will have a nice screen to watch the race and you will be able to get there via a narrow bridge in the harbor. The sun will be in front of you so watch out and bring a hat.
This is the view facing the grandstand.
You will then see on the right the L sector and the T sector on the right.
Please please do not take low seats! The T and L sections (especially T1) have a great view of the pits and if you are too low you will be below the roof of the Brasserie de Monaco and won’t be able to see any action. You will have a screen but will only see cars when they will be 2 meters from you. My pick is highest section of T1 sector, the best in terms of price and what you get out of it. If you manage and can afford, check that. If you can afford even more, go to Belvedere which is the hospitality of the circuit.
L sector, you may also notice they are building the Belvedere on top.
This a panoramic view of the Brasserie and L sectors.
And this is the T1 section.
Before getting to the Rascasse section, a special mention to the Paddock Club in Monaco. Being one of the most expensive on the calendar, you would expect crazy facilities, stunning services and entertainment and a crazy good position. Which I am not saying you find, but you need to consider that compared to other circuits the Paddock Club is NOT located on the main straight and not even directly on the track. I have been to many Paddock Clubs as Monaco definitely has some issues with space while facilities and services are top notch. They lower the attendance to make it livable for everybody, but you are a bit far from the track and you will not have the best view of the cars once they go around the Rascasse. The company that takes care of the Paddock Club is called Do.Co. and they are very very nice people, the atmosphere is a bit stock up but considering the crowd they need to be flawless. BTW my favorite Paddock Club was Abu Dhabi!
There is nothing now but imagine the Paddock Club to be placed here just behind the parking.
Coming back to the Rascasse section, you have sector V and the Rascasse bar.
The sector V is a very well located grandstand directly facing the last chicane, with a clear view of the grid and a screen in front of you. very expensive but you are very close and it’s very convenient to visit the pits when you will have your pit walk (only 2 and 3 days ticket holders usually can attend the pit walk).
Section V from the side and pit entrance.
The Rascasse instead usually get immediately fully booked as it has a very good location on the chicane (it IS the chicane) and very good food and drinks options. Expensive as you would expect, maybe check it out on Thursday as an alternative to sector B or to the lower end apartments (the price for an open-bar, canapè fueled terrace on Thursday is about 250 EUR).
Rascasse building with terrace.
And with the
General Admission we terminate our ride. As mentioned before, not the best general admission area if it rains or if it’s overcrowded; don’t remember the exact number but capacity was greatly reduced in the last years for this reason. It is relatively affordable but hey, I guess you get to experience Monaco on a budget.
Here some
extra shots of the
garage and
panoramic shots of the rascasse complex.
And here a link to a 4K video I shot some weeks ago without traffic.
I hope above helped and should you be interested in receiving more tips regarding Monaco GP, as well as some other guides on tickets and insights of the industry, do not hesitate to ask! As mentioned I am not selling anything so don’t ask me for discount and stuff, I can only point you in the right direction and maybe save you some cash.
And as said feel free to join me at the Irish pub next to the track, I’ll be there and maybe later attend the Sunset Monaco party at the Meridien hotel. Hope you guys didn’t get too bored of all my writing and apologies for the my English!
Monaco GP complex from the Cinema.
Marshall party everyone.
Here is the whole album if you want to see more.
Here are all the official websites:
Australia
https://www.grandprix.com.au/ Bahrain
https://www.bahraingp.com/ China
http://www.jussevent.com/ Baku
https://www.bakucitycircuit.com/ Spain
https://www.circuitcat.com/en/formula-1/tickets/ Canada
https://www.gpcanada.ca/en/ France
https://www.gpfrance.com/en/official-ticketing/ Austria
https://gpticketshop.com/en/index.html Silverstone
https://www.silverstone.co.uk/events/2019-formula-1-british-grand-prix/ Germany
http://www.hockenheimring.de/en/ticketshop Hungary
https://gpticketshop.com/en/f1/f1-grand-prix-ungarn-2019/tickets.html Belgium
https://www.spagrandprix.com/en/ Italy
https://www.monzanet.it/ Singapore
http://www.singaporegp.sg/ Russia
https://sochiautodrom.ru/en Japan
https://www.suzukacircuit.jp/f1_en/ticket/ Mexico
https://www.mexicogp.mx/informacion/boletos/ USA
http://www.circuitoftheamericas.com/2019-f1 or my boi/gurl
u/circuitoftheamericas Brazil
https://www.gpbrasil.com.ben-us/ingressos?tipo=arquibancadas Abu Dhabi
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